Dear Claire,

I know we looked fantastic yesterday in those special shoes you bought. And I know we felt great last night after a few beers, but today we've got some issues. Please take it easy on us today.

Love,
Claire's feet

Can'tSleepClaire

I hope none of you have ever met Can'tSleepClaire. She is the worst. She will wake you up in the middle of the night and tell you horrible things so you can't go back to sleep. She often goads me about friendship issues and serial killers. To fully understand just how terrible she is, you need to imagine everything that she says sounds like a mix of a sing-songy, teasing child and that that possessed kid in the Shining. ("Danny's not heeeerrre, Mrs. Torrance")*. If she weren't invisible (and you know, fake), I'm sure she would use the accompanying finger gesture. Last Thursday, she was out in full force.

Can'tSleepClaire: Claaaaaaaaaaaaiiireeeee...hear that noise in your apartment? Guess what. It's a seriaaaaaaal killer. He is coming to get you. And you have to pee. Make your decision: pee your bed or get killed in the bathroom. Your decissssiooooon.

Hey Claaaaaaaire. Nobody likes you. Nobody wants to be your friend. Remember when that mean girl called you fat in middle school? Everrrryybody thinks that. Everrrrryyybooddy hates you. Remember that thing you said to your friend last week? She told everyone because she haaaates you. No one will evvverrr be your friend agaaaaaaain...

She is the WORST. She is way worse than LackofSleepClaire, who alternates between hysterical crying and hysterical giggles.

*Please see 8:38 on this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv3_bla90L0&feature=related

Today I am using one of the laptops at work (I usually use a desktop, but our bookkeeper uses it on Fridays) and it has an audio program on it which controls the volume and effects. There are various options you can select to make the music sound better. For example, there is a "living room" option, as well as a "carpeted hallway" option. I guess the program will adjust the echo and other musical importance to make it sound better. Here are the 5 default options (you have to go to another menu to select other options) on the laptop:

-Stone Corridor
-Bathroom
-Sewer Pipe
-Arena
-Auditorium

Sewer pipe?! Why is a default "Sewer Pipe"? Also, Stone Corridor? Like in a castle?

Technology is ruining my self esteem. I mean technology is great; I love being able to stalk girls I went to high school with on facebook and simultaneously think "Her baby is the cutest!" and "I can't believe she has a kid (or two or three)." But it also allows us to stalk people in ways we never could have imagined and to the detriment of our well-being.

So I write on someone's wall or send them a message and I wait and wait for them to reply...and they don't. Ok, fine, they haven't been on facebook for a while and then I notice that they have most definitely have been on facebook, and have taken the time to post a link, write on someone else's wall and like someone's status. This turns me into a middle school girl and I think "OMG, why doesn't she like me more than this person? WHAT did I do wrong? Does she think I am fat? AM I FAT? What if she NEVER writes on my wall!? Fine. FINE. I don't need her as a friend - I have enough friends...nope, untrue. I NEED HER BACK HOW CAN I WIN HER BACK?" I do this far too often with too many people than is really healthy. It's actually worse than middle school, because there was no news feed that told you "Carrie wrote back to Samantha at 2:45pm via oragami note."

Eventually, whether or not they ever write back, I just feel like a crazy person.